ABC/Craig Sjodin Dramaaaaaa!
A villain has emerged, and it's strangely not Jared, the man with the face of a thousand Disney bad guys.
We may have appreciated JJ's dirty puck joke upon meeting Kaitlyn last week, but that was only because it mirrored her opening joke to Chris last season. JJ has now officially landed on our list of people who are definitely the worst.
And he's not the only one! However, Kupah's "I just want to know if we actually have a connection" breakdown was a lot more understandable than JJ's conscious decision to be the official a—hole of the house.
But we'll get to all that in a bit. First, let's get down to business with the season's first group date.
After hinting to the guys that it will "end with a ring," Kaitlyn invited world-renowned boxer Laila Ali to find a way to relate reality show relationships to organized punching, and then encouraged all the men to literally fight each other in order to win Kaitlyn's heart.
"I wanted this to be fun!" Kaitlyn said as she watched a bunch of grown men hit each other because she told them to. Yay, violence! So much fun!
In fact, Ben Z. had so much fun that he gave Jared a concussion! Fun, fun, fun!
Both Ben and Jared took full advantage of their respective roles as victor and victim to woo their lady into giving them a flower. Big tough guy Ben brought out his soft side by talking about losing his mother, and Jared managed to come back from the hospital just to steal a second and one hot kiss with Kaitlyn. In the end, the victor got the spoils, and Ben Z. got the rose.
The season's very first one-on-one went to Clint, whose name can get kinda dangerous on primetime television. He's the guy who presented Kaitlyn with the picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops, which is clearly why he got the date.
Their date consisted of…an underwater photo shoot! Naturally.
Our only question (just kidding, we have many) is: what will they do with these photos if Clint doesn't win? Our hope is that Chris Harrison actually keeps all the photos (remember the wedding shoot from Bachelor in Paradise?) and uses them to adorn the walls of his prayer room. If this is not true, don't tell us, because we want to believe.
Anyway, they had a great time, and Clint got the rose. Clint's personality made otherwise no impression on us. Sorry, Clint. At least we'll always have this:
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Before the second group date got underway, Tony had some thoughts on love. Love this, love that, love love love. Basically, he thinks love and boxing have no place on the same show, and we sort of weirdly agreed with him. That's when JJ started showing his true colors by making it well known that he thinks Tony should go home.
It didn't get better when they were both invited on the group date, which involved being schooled in stand-up comedy by Amy Schumer and a few of her comedian friends.
Honestly, Amy Schumer is a national treasure, and we now would like to demand a show in which Amy Schumer makes fun of average guys who think they can do stand-up comedy, because that was heavenly.
Unfortunately, JJ seemed to have no idea that Amy was completely shutting him down as he went on about how he's "90% smarter than most of the audience," so it's hard for him because a lot of people don't understand his incredibly intellectual jokes. The fact that Amy managed to sit there and simply tell him he was wrong without punching him in the face or at least putting a hand over his mouth and going "shhhhh" speaks great volumes about how much of a class act Amy Schumer truly is.
All we got to see of JJ's actual act was him thanking the audience for not leaving after Tony's set, which was…interesting, to say the least. Tony really seems to have nothing to contribute except for his views on love and relationships and whatever else he was blabbering on about. Still, we'd prefer the blabbering to the asshattery that came out of JJ's mouth at every turn.
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In terms of the comedy that was happening, Chris the Dentist—who seems to be going by the name of Cupcake, which we're fine with—actually killed with a set about how he's not funny, and for that we'd like to congratulate him.
Kaitlyn, however, only had eyes for JJ after he buttered her up by talking about his three year-old daughter. He got the rose, and could not have been more smug about it.
The other guys, because most of them are nice people, had made a decision that at the cocktail party, the first guys to get time with Kaitlyn would be the ones who didn't get a date this week. JJ, who, may we remind you, already had a rose, said "hell no!" to that plan and immediately took Kaitlyn by the arm after she finished her "welcome to the cocktail party" speech. He later explained to the guys that he did it in order to remind Kaitlyn "what husband material is."
Yuck, JJ. Yuck forever.
The cocktail party got supes dramatic when Kupah had his time with Kaitlyn. Even though he got to go on the boxing date, he's worried that Kaitlyn doesn't remember him or their connection. She claims she does, but he's got questions, and she's offended that he's questioning her, and he's offended that she's offended, and he overreacts to the point where we're completely unsure of what he's even mad about anymore.
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ABC He goes back to the other guys to talk loudly about the conversation he just had, which Kaitlyn then overhears while she's taking a quiet moment to herself. She confronts him, and tells him that she did feel a connection, but she's not feeling it anymore, and she wants him gone. He says he doesn't want to go, unable to accept the fact that he clearly blew it.
When he finally leaves, he's not a fan of the traditional exit interview and seems like he's about to use some of his newfound boxing skills with one of the producers. Kaitlyn, during her own interview, sees this happening, and goes to find out what's going on, and that's when another giant "To Be Continued" assaults our screens. Nooooooo!
HOW COULD YOU END THE EPISODE WITHOUT EVEN GIVING SHAWN B. ANY SCREEN TIME?!
Really though. We feel insulted. No Shawn B., no rose ceremony, and now we have to wait a week to find out what happens next.
At the very least, we did get to find out what happened with Britt and Brady. She definitely had a better first week than Britt from the looks of it. After just one week of seeing each other every day, Brady asked Britt to be his girl, and she said yes! This show really does work!
Join us next week to find out if Kupah gets escorted off the premises by security (yes), if Kaitlyn realizes that JJ is the worst (probably not for another few weeks), or if Shawn B. gets any dreamier (as if that's possible).
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Who do you think is going home next week (aside from Kupah)? Sound off in the comments!
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